5 Things You're Afraid To Say To Your Therapist (but we want you to!)
/Many people in therapy have thoughts and questions that they’re unsure of but worry aren’t “appropriate” to talk about or might be awkward. Sometimes those thoughts and questions are actually very helpful to the therapeutic process and your therapist would welcome them. Here are 5 things you may be afraid to say to your therapist but they wish you would:
1. “Can you explain that to me further?”:
There are a lot of theories, concepts, and information that get discussed in therapy. Some of that information can be confusing. If your therapist is sharing something with you that you’re struggling to follow or understand, they want to know so that they can try to better clarify. People take in information in different ways. Some people want a scientific description, some understand best through a metaphor, some need personal examples, and others might like a visual. Letting your therapist know things are unclear gives them an opportunity to try another strategy.
Also, there’s a lot of lingo and jargon in psychology and therapy. Your therapist has gone to school for years to learn these concepts and spends much of their time with co-workers and colleagues who share that same knowledge on that same subject. It makes sense to not be familiar with all that psychobabble, and if there are terms you’re unclear on, they will be glad you asked for clarification and made them aware that they were communicating in unclear, complex terms. When sharing information, it’s your therapist’s goal to support you and help you to understand as simply and clearly as possible.
2. “I’m probably not going to do that”:
There are so many different strategies and skills to cope with things. What might be helpful to one person, might not be to another. People are different and what helps each person is different. Much of learning what works for you is an experiment. You’re testing options and seeing what’s a good fit for you as an individual. If you know you’re not going to try something and you share that with your therapist, they will be glad to get that feedback from you because it helps them do better for you. Whether it’s just unappealing, there are obstacles that would get in your way of trying, or you’ve tried it before and didn’t like it, it helps your therapist support you best if you share this. This provides an opportunity to problem solve things that would get in your way of trying, or to try out a different option that may be a better fit.
3. “I’m upset with you”:
You create a relationship with your therapist, and in any relationship, there are opportunities to say something hurtful. Therapists are people and sometimes they say things that upset you. Part of therapy is being in a space where it’s safe to express your feelings. Healthy relationships and communication involve being able to share how you feel, discuss your needs, repair any damage, and be validated. Additionally, it may be an opportunity to learn what some of your triggers are, how they affect your relationships and communication, and how to work through them.
4. “How do you think I’m doing?”:
After a few sessions it makes sense to be curious about how things are progressing. Having this conversation with your therapist can be supportive for a number of reasons. It’s a chance to discuss patterns your therapist may be seeing that you’re not aware of, barriers to progress and how to overcome them, changes you want to make to your goals, and acknowledgment of and reflection on the progress that has been made so far. Often in therapy people are focused on the changes they want to make and forget to stop and notice the changes already occurring. Progress can be slow and gradual, so at times it’s easy to miss. Taking that time to notice and discuss it is important and helps you to stay motivated to keep at it.
5. “It’s not feeling like a good fit”:
It takes time to connect with someone and start to feel comfortable, and that goes for your therapist too. For this reason, it’s a good idea to give it a few sessions before determining the fit isn’t right. The general rule is about 6 sessions give or take. If after that time things still aren’t feeling right, it may not be a good fit. There are a lot of reasons the fit might not be right. Sometimes people want solutions, other times people want more depth and processing. Sometimes therapists talk more, while others do more listening. Sometimes gender, race, ethnicity, age, or sexuality are important and your therapist doesn’t fit your needs in those areas. Whatever the reason, if things aren’t feeling right with your therapist, talk to them about it. In some of these cases, if you share what’s not working with your therapist and it’s something they can adjust, they’ll work to better fit your needs. If it’s something that can’t be adjusted, such as gender, race, age, or sexuality, they may be able to support you in finding someone who would be a better fit. You deserve a therapist who fits your needs.
The more open and honest you are with your therapist, the better they can support you. Generally, if you’re unsure, worried, or embarrassed to talk to your therapist about something, you can always communicate that uncertainty. If it is something they truly can’t discuss, they can communicate that boundary to you and give an explanation as to why. It may be an ethical issue or just the personal boundaries of that particular therapist. Even if it ends up being something they can’t share, it’s an opportunity to practice effective and open communication, and may ultimately improve the therapeutic relationship.
The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.