We Are All Living In Loss and Grief

As I sit with my clients I often hear “ I feel so heartbroken” or “ I feel out of sorts and I can’t explain it”, and as we talk more it becomes apparent that they are dealing with a loss and then experiencing grief from that loss. Often we think that grief and loss come only from the actual death of someone and forget that we experience all sorts of losses that we then grieve. I would like to look at how we all experience grief and loss in our lives on a regular basis and what that looks like and how we can manage it.

What is Loss?

We define loss as whenever we are unable to keep someone or something that is important to us. This definition allows us to look at loss through a different lens than just a loss through death. Loss can be:

A dream

A home

A child leaving home

A job

A relationship

A diagnosis

A move

A new role like being a caregiver to an aging parent

These are just a few examples of what loss can be, and I think we can agree that over the last year and half we have all experienced the loss of “normal” in our lives as we navigated a global pandemic.

What is Grief?

Grief is defined as the normal natural response to having a loss. When we are grieving it doesn’t feel normal or natural to us to have the responses we do. These responses can be emotional, physical, cognitive, behavioral or spiritual. Some may include:

Back, neck or muscle pain

Shock or sense of numbness

Need to make sense of the death ….. “Why?”

Disbelief, unreality, “a fog”

Sleep disturbance

Stomach upset, diarrhea, constipation

Sadness, sorrow, despair

Anger at God

Confusion, disorientation

Change in appetite

Weight loss or gain

Anger, protest, irritability, resentment

Memory, or concentration problems

Feelings of weakness or fatigue

Managing Grief Responses

As I mentioned earlier, grief is a normal natural response, but so often it leaves us feeling anything but normal or natural. A loss erupts our “normal” life or routine that brings us a sense of security and normalcy to our everyday lives. When we have a disruption in this we respond at times without even knowing what is causing that response. It’s important to not only identify what the loss is but then also become aware of how to manage those grief responses. So how do we do this? Knowing and accepting that grief is a process and that we need to create space and time to process all the things that are impacting us from this loss is an important first step.

Try these:

Know and accept that your functioning won’t be up to par.

Acknowledge emotions as they arise – allow yourself plenty of time for crying and plenty of time for talking.

 All of your feelings are valid and need to be acknowledged and expressed, sometimes anger can be the biggest emotion that rises up and it needs to be expressed

Be gentle with yourself – give up self-criticism.

Keep a journal – writing is another form of expression.

Choose to pamper yourself, make sure self care is a priority

Join a support group – call a hospice, church, mental health agency or counselor.

Grief is a process, not an event- trust your own sense of timing.

Exercise daily – get outdoors and breathe the fresh air.

Participate in pleasantly distracting activities – gardening, movies, reading, television, and museums.

Give yourself permission to have fun.

When to seek support

Being able to not only identify the loss but also have a plan to navigate how the loss is changing your normal can begin the grieving process. Though a natural process, grief can be very unpredictable. With no clear stages to mark your progress and no neat instructions to follow, your journey through grief can feel unlike anything you've experienced before. With no clear road map it can feel like we don’t know how to navigate all that comes with our grief and loss, and it can feel like we get stuck in those grief responses. Are you feeling like you can’t find the energy to do the things that you need to do? Do you feel like you can’t concentrate at work? Are you having trouble sleeping at night? Do you feel anger or irritable without knowing why? Having a place and space to talk to someone who can provide guidance in processing all the thoughts, feelings and behaviors and provide insight can begin that process and help navigate this journey. I encourage you to think about some of the losses you may be experiencing and how it would be helpful to look at how to grieve those losses. If you feel like this would be a beneficial step to take I would love to meet with you to journey with you.

In addition to grief and loss, the mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.