7 Strategies On Forgiveness

Forgiveness.  We hear that word often, but what does it truly mean?  Sure, we all have said “I forgive you” for various things and to many people.  However, do we all have the same understanding of forgiveness?  People likely define and understand forgiveness differently, at least to some extent.   Forgiveness involves working to allow ourselves to become free of negativity such as anger, resentments, desires to seek revenge, and/or see karma happen to those that have wronged us.  Right or wrong, these thoughts and feelings are often how we respond when we have been hurt by someone or something.  It is important to know and understand that forgiveness DOES NOT mean forgetting or excusing what has happened to us or minimizing the hurt we experience but instead, it allows us to heal and gain a sense of peace within ourselves.  Furthermore, it can help us improve our self esteem and strength to overcome challenges and obstacles that we face. Forgiveness also can improve our mental health by decreasing symptoms of anxiety and depression.  It is very important to understand and accept that forgiving takes time, work, and perseverance but it is VERY much worth it! 

How often have we said “I forgive you” to ourselves?  Yes, you read correctly, I said about forgiving ourselves.  We don’t hear about forgiving ourselves nearly as much as we do about forgiving others.  Why is that?  Do we not deserve to forgive ourselves?  Well, of course we do!  Why are so many of us very quick to “beat ourselves up”?  Many times, we are our own worst critic and bully.   We are human and we make mistakes or as I like to call them, learning experiences.   Thus, I repeat….we also need to learn to forgive ourselves!!!

Sounds simple to forgive, right?  If only it was that simple! 

Here are 7 strategies to work on forgiving ourselves and others:

1.     Acknowledge what has happened to upset/harm you:  Perhaps your sister did not include you in the planning of a family getaway.  Acknowledge that not being included in the planning has upset you. 

2.    Acknowledge and process your feelings related to what has upset/harmed you:  It is ok to feel hurt by someone doing or not doing something such as forgetting to call you on your birthday.   Embrace and accept your feelings-they are yours and yours alone and that is perfectly ok! Maybe you are sad or angry.

3.    Find meaning to the experience:   What have you learned from someone hurting you?  How can you change your life or actions for the better due to experiencing the hurt?  Maybe you will be more conscientious about remembering to call someone on their birthday since you felt so hurt when you didn’t get the birthday wish from someone special in your life.

4.    Try to understand the situation from the perspective of the person(s) that hurt you:  This does not mean you are excusing the actions of someone rather it means that you try to understand what may have caused the person to hurt you.  For example, if someone hangs up on you when you are expressing your thoughts and feelings to them, explore why they may have hung up.  Perhaps, there was an emergency, or the phone went into a “dead zone”.  It may or may not have been intentional to hang up on you, but it is still worth it to explore the possible reasons for it rather than assume the worst right away.  Maybe they were just being rude, but it is better to find out for certain.

5.    Think about a time or situation that you have hurt someone and wanted and sought forgiveness:  People are human which means we ALL hurt and/or upset, sometimes by accident and sometimes intentionally.  Think about the time that you may have not held the door open for someone when it was windy, and it shut on the person’s arm resulting in a nasty bruise.  Would you want the person to continue to be angry at you or would you want them to forgive you?

6.    Practice self care!!!!!!  I am sure you have seen this stated in nearly all if not all of my other blogs so it must be very important!  Watch my video here for more info on self care. Find what helps you relax whether it be journaling, listening to music, meditating, or my personal favorite-petting a purring cat and JUST DO IT!!!!!!

7.    Seek and participate in therapy:  Everyone can benefit from therapy.  Often struggling with forgiving ourselves or someone else is a symptom of other things whether it be anxiety, depression, or previous trauma.  Check out this blog for who can benefit from therapy.

So, now that you know some strategies to help with forgiving, here are some MAJOR reasons to practice forgiving yourself and others.  Forgiveness helps establish and maintain healthy relationships, improving one’s mental health such as decreasing symptoms of anxiety and depression, decreases medical issues such as lowering blood pressure and improving immunity, improving sleep, and overall increase in happiness and contentment in life and with others.  These are just a few examples of benefits of forgiveness, but they are so very much worth forgiving oneself and others!  Holding onto anger, resentments, and grudges whether towards yourself or others is like allowing poison to linger in your body.  You wouldn’t ignore getting help for venom from a snake bite and you shouldn’t avoid addressing and/or getting help with forgiving yourself or others!

If you are struggling with forgiving yourself or others, try these tips out. And, reach out to our office if you need help. The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.