Stop Trying - You Will Never Understand

Why did she do that?!

How could he do that to me?!

I can’t believe she did that. What was she thinking?!

You hear outrageous news about someone. Or, you experience firsthand some dreadful misdeed. In response, have you had these types of thoughts before? I’ve worked with many clients who have been wronged by someone. Really hurtful fallout from lies, or gossip, or affairs, or abuse. We all like to hypothesize what was going on, or try to figure out why someone acted as they did. We like to be detectives and try to figure it all out. Deep down, we are all curious beings. And we especially don’t like uncertainty and not knowing.

But, I have what may be a shocking response for you about these things……

Stop trying to figure out why someone did the horrible deed they did!

Stop trying to think like them. Stop trying to make sense of the senseless and horrible things someone did to you.

You are not the other person, and will never completely understand them. Especially if you can’t ever imagine doing what they did! If you can’t even comprehend what they were thinking, it just goes to show how differently you think from them!

You don’t know their thoughts or motivations, and can never possibly fully understand why someone responds how they did. And, because of this, attempting to figure it out can be so frustrating! You will never find a satisfactory answer to the question WHY. Even if they tell you their reasoning, because you are not them, it might never make sense to you or seem reasonable enough to you to justify their actions.

So stop trying to understand what motivated them to spread lies about you in the workplace, or hit their partner, or use their position of power to their advantage.

Yes… there I said it: Stop trying to figure it out. Instead focus on what is within your control. Your thoughts. Your responses.

(And, while I’m at it…..here’s another thought: You can’t reason with someone who is irrational. So stop trying!)

To some degree, it’s almost easier to worry about figuring out why they did what they did. To feel confused. To try to make sense of it. To feel justified in your disbelief or your anger. It’s a rabbit trail…..you can follow it down and down and never actually arrive anywhere satisfactory. So, it may feel like you have work to do to figure it out, but the reality is you’ll never really get anywhere. Like riding a stationary bike and expecting to go somewhere. Pedaling hard, doing all the work, but it never really paying off with a new location. I say it’s easier to worry about figuring out why they did what they did because the harder work would be to focus on you and change yourself and YOUR response.

I propose you try these two things instead of worrying about why they did what they did, or how they could have done what they did:

1. Focus on you and what is within your control, and the world will start to make more sense. Ask yourself, “Can I do something about this?” And if not, then tell yourself , “I can’t do anything about that” and shift to thinking about something else. If you can do something about it, then do it! Concrete action steps to address the issue at hand can work wonders here. This little trick can help you to be less frustrated, since your mental energy is being focused in a better direction…something you can have some influence over!

For example, if you have an outdoor birthday party planned, spending time worrying about if it will rain is pointless. You can’t control the weather! But you can make a Plan B to have tents set up just in case. Then when the worry comes about if it will rain, you can tell yourself you are prepared and it won’t really matter because a little rain won’t dampen the excitement of the party! Being prepared can help to reduce your anxiety.

2. Become comfortable with uncertainty. Our brains are always looking for shortcuts, to streamline things, to make sense of things. Our brains love certainty, to know for sure what to expect. Accepting uncertainty will be difficult, but can pay off. Focus on what you can know for sure. This goes back to focusing on your thoughts and actions, and accepting that you might never know for sure why they did what they did.

I know this might be hard to hear, hard to wrap your head around, and even harder to implement. But, I promise you will be less frustrated in the end, if you can say “Who knows why…” or “We’ll never really know why….” and really feel ok with not knowing.

The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.