How Trauma Affects Relationships

/

Have you ever seen a new home? Everything feels fresh and full of possibilities. There’s excitement about making it your own. But as with any new house, the foundation goes through a process of settling. The soil underneath tightens and shifts, causing the house to slowly reach its final position. This is normal, but it can lead to small cracks in walls, uneven floors, or doors that don’t close properly. Most of the time, this settling stops on its own. However, if the house settles too much or unevenly, it can lead to bigger problems, requiring repairs to keep it stable. When this happens, homeowners can feel frustrated and discouraged about their once-exciting new home.

The same thing can happen in relationships. Trauma from a person’s past or present can affect the foundation of a relationship, just like shifting soil affects a home. The Gottman Method, a research-based approach to relationships, compares a strong relationship to a house with many floors. Trauma can shake the foundation of a marriage, making everything above it feel unstable or unrecognizable. But just like a home’s foundation can be repaired, a relationship can also heal with understanding, patience, and effort.

Understanding Trauma and PTSD

One diagnosis related to trauma is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Many people think PTSD only affects military veterans, but it can happen to anyone who has experienced or witnessed death, serious injury, or sexual violence. It can even happen if someone learns that a loved one has gone through a traumatic event. PTSD is more common than people think—about 5 out of 100 men and 10 out of 100 women report having it. However, PTSD is often underreported, so the actual number may be even higher.

PTSD and trauma can have a deep impact on a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. One major sign of PTSD is difficulty in social relationships. Trauma memories, feelings, or reactions can show up unexpectedly and cause challenges in communication. In relationships, this might lead to sudden arguments, feeling distant from a partner, or struggling to trust. PTSD can also develop later in life—after marriage, after having children, or even after an affair.

The symptoms of trauma don’t always appear right away. Sometimes, they build up over time, showing up in unexpected ways. A person with PTSD might start yelling more, become defensive, or feel like they are the “problem” in the relationship. They may also feel like the world is unsafe. Others might have the opposite reaction—shutting down and pulling away from their partner as a way to protect themselves from more pain. When this happens, the relationship can feel confusing and disconnected. The couple may start questioning who their partner really is and feel unsure of how to move forward together.

Signs That Trauma Is Affecting a Relationship

  • More frequent arguments

  • Avoiding each other or certain topics

  • Loss of friendship and connection

  • Feeling confused about each other’s behavior

  • Decreased physical intimacy and affection

  • Trouble trusting one another

If these issues are left unaddressed, the relationship can start to feel unstable—just like a home with a weak foundation.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Since PTSD and trauma can make relationships difficult, couples therapy can help partners work through challenges together. Many people believe trauma is something they have to deal with alone, but relationships can be a source of healing. Therapy creates a space for couples to talk openly, understand each other better, and strengthen their bond.

Here are some benefits of therapy for couples dealing with trauma:

  1. Support for the partner with PTSD – Trauma can feel isolating, but therapy allows the partner with PTSD to feel heard and supported. Their partner can sit with them, listen, and show that they are not alone.

  2. Understanding how PTSD affects the relationship – The other partner can express how the trauma responses impact them, creating space for empathy and reconnection. This helps both partners see that trauma is an outside factor influencing the relationship, rather than something “wrong” with one person.

  3. Separating the trauma from the person – PTSD can cause sudden, unexpected reactions. Therapy helps couples see trauma as something separate from their partner’s true self. This prevents the couple from defining each other by their trauma responses and instead helps them see the whole person.

  4. Recognizing how both partners react to trauma – Trauma affects more than just the person who experienced it. The other partner may develop their own reactions, such as walking on eggshells, feeling overwhelmed, or trying to “fix” things. Therapy helps both partners understand their roles in arguments and how to support each other better.

  5. Rebuilding trust and commitment – PTSD can create instability, but therapy helps couples communicate, share emotions, and regain trust. A strong relationship is built on consistency, and therapy helps partners find ways to reconnect and rebuild their bond.

Healing and Moving Forward

Couples therapy is a powerful tool for improving communication, resolving conflict, and strengthening intimacy. Healing from trauma doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but it does mean learning how to move forward together. It takes time, patience, and understanding from both partners. But with the right support, couples can grow stronger and create a new foundation, one that is built on love, trust, and resilience.

Walking through difficult times together, and choosing to stay, can be one of the most powerful ways to show love. When a couple works through trauma together, they remind each other that they are not alone. And in the end, what could be more powerful than that?

The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with kids, teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Schedule An Appointment here. 

Reference: 

All this information was gleaned from a training I completed provided by the Gottman Institute called “Treating Trauma and Affairs” by John Gottman, Ph.D., Julie Gottman, Ph.D., and The Gottman Institute Inc. The training can be accessed through this link: https://www.gottman.com/professionals/training/treating-affairs-and-trauma/