How Self-Compassion Can Soothe Trauma and Anxiety

After a traumatic or anxiety-inducing experience, some people notice an increase in thoughts such as “it’s all my fault,” “I can’t trust anyone” or “everywhere I go is unsafe.” After trauma, your brain can hyperfocus on the negative as a way to keep you safe from future danger.

It is working so hard to keep you safe that it doesn’t mind if it puts you down in the process.

While you may appreciate your brain’s commitment to safety, repetitive negative thoughts can take a toll on your mental health. In fact, one of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder is “persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world” (that explanation is taken from the DSM-5, the diagnostic manual that counselors use). Trauma survivors might feel like they have negative self-talk on repeat in their brain with no idea how to hit the power button or turn down the volume.

Self-compassion can be a powerful resource in these instances. Instead of arguing with your brain (which can lead to more negativity, judgment, or shaming), self-compassion invites you to extend to yourself the same gentleness and care you’d give to a friend. Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff has broken self-compassion down into three simple yet effective steps: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness.

First, mindfulness means noticing the negative self-talk or trauma trigger that you are experiencing. Mindfulness can sound like a big concept, but it just means paying attention to your feelings and giving them a name. For example, if you’re getting back in the driver’s seat for the first time after a car accident, you might use mindfulness and say, “I am experiencing anxiety about getting in the car again.” Or, if you’re feeling self-critical about your performance at a recent concert, you might say, “I’m feeling critical about how I messed up those last few notes.”

Sometimes clients share that they’re tempted to ignore or suppress their feelings, thinking that drawing attention to it might make it worse. But actually, practicing mindfulness towards your feelings can reduce their intensity and help you deal with them proactively. Instead of letting your feelings simmer until they explode or cause you to shut down and withdraw, you prepare to meet them with common humanity and kindness.

The second step, common humanity, invites you to bring your feelings back to community so that they are not so isolating. You might tell yourself, “It’s normal to feel scared to do something after you’ve had a bad experience. Other people have experienced this, too.” Or to take the concert example, you might say, “I know my friend is also critical with herself after she performs. Everyone feels a bit more vulnerable after going on stage.” Common humanity is about positioning your feelings closer to other peoples’ feelings so that you have some company and feel a little less alone.

The last step, kindness, is about treating yourself with gentleness and care. It’s telling yourself, “I see how hard you are trying to get back in the car again, and I’m proud of your courage to keep trying.” Another example would be saying, “You worked so hard on this performance, and it is ok that you made a mistake on those last few notes.” It is speaking to yourself with the kindness and understanding of a friend who believes the best about you.  

Clients often have a lot of concerns and questions about this last step. You might find yourself wondering, “If I’m gentle to myself, won’t that mean I won’t get anything done in life? Don’t I have to be hard on myself in order to get anything done?” For some clients, self-compassion introduces the fear of being unproductive or lazy.

But extending self-compassion to yourself doesn’t mean that you give up or suddenly lose all momentum. Instead, it means that you work from a place of mental wellbeing and motivation. Let’s face it, would you rather work for a boss who encourages and supports you, or a boss who is constantly critical and tearing you down? Self-compassion helps you be your own best friend and supportive boss so that you stay at your mental best while continuing to work towards your goals.

Mindfulness, Common Humanity, and Kindness: these three steps make up the process of self-compassion. At first, learning self-compassion can feel like learning a new language, especially for survivors of childhood trauma who may have internalized negative self-judgments at a young age. However, with time and practice, you may find that your brain reduces its negative self-talk and has learned the language of self-compassion.

 The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.