Codependency: What Is It?

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The original concept of “codependent” came from wives of the alcoholics who started Alcoholic Anonymous, Bill Wilson and “Dr. Bob.”  The men would have AA meetings in people’s houses and the wives would sit in the kitchen and talk over coffee and dessert.  As they exchanged stories about their experiences, they realized they all had done similar things in an effort to protect their husband from consequences of their alcoholism. For example, they called their husband’s work to say he was sick when he was really hungover, did extra housework, or went without groceries because the money was spent on alcohol. (You may have heard this called “enabling” because it enables the alcoholic to continue drinking without facing natural consequences.) These women realized that no matter how hard they tried to get their husbands to stop drinking, they couldn’t do it: the alcoholic had to take responsibility and “work their own program.” At first this made them angry, that all their attempts to get their husband to quit had failed. But then they started to look not at what they could do for their husbands, but what they could do for themselves. They had neglected their own needs and emotional well-being because all their mental energy went into their marriage.

 Codependency is a hard term to define, but in general it is an over-dependence on another person in a relationship for validation and a sense of self-worth.  It is not “black and white” but more of a tendency to behave in ways that are not healthy for ourselves or our relationships.  Codependent behavior doesn’t just apply to alcoholism, but to other addictions like gambling and pornography or if someone has a severe mental illness. Codependent behavior can sneak into any relationship whenever we start to consistently put other people’s needs and feelings ahead of our own, to the detriment of our own self-worth and well-being. Because we tend to “lose” ourselves and worry so much about the other person, codependency can lead to anxiety and depression.

Where does codependent behavior come from? The family we grew up in is like the first “classroom” where we learn about relationships. If there is abuse, neglect, or trauma, or if an important family member struggles with serious mental health issues, problem drinking, or drug addiction, this sets the stage for learning codependent behavior.  We might see our mother always covering up and making excuses for dad’s drinking, and that we have to “walk on eggshells” to keep peace in the household. We learn push aside our own needs and feelings. We avoid speaking up because we don’t want to “rock the boat.” We repeat these patterns in our adult relationships. We may become over-attached to one person and depend on them to feel good about ourselves.

There are many different signs of codependency, but a brief list includes:

  • Having a hard time making decisions in a relationship

  • Tendency to avoid conflict at all costs

  • Tendency to be a “people pleaser”

  • Taking on more responsibility than you need to for the actions of others

  • Doing more of your share all the time, then become hurt if no one recognizes your efforts

  • Trouble speaking up for yourself

  • Having a difficult time saying “no”

  • Having trouble setting healthy boundaries

  • Compliments make you uncomfortable

  • Don’t like asking for help

  • Feeling inadequate deep down inside

  • Fear of abandonment

If you think you have codependent tendencies in a relationship, there are some things you can do. First, recognize the behavior for what it is. Because being in a codependent relationship often leads to feelings of isolation and loneliness, you can reconnect with friends and other family members, spending time with them.  It’s important to make time for yourself and even go back to things that made you happy before you got into the relationship. If you are struggling with your own drug or alcohol use, seek help for that. You can also attend Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous, which are self-help 12-step programs. You can read self-help books like “Codependent No More” by Melody Beaty or “Boundaries for Women” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Couples counseling can help the relationship, but individual counseling can still help because if one person changes, the relationship changes. Professional counseling can be helpful to understand and stop behaviors that are getting in the way of healthy, satisfying relationships and feeling good about yourself.

Recovery from codependency can be hard work, but the benefits are great: improved self-esteem, a solid sense of self-worth, and ability to set healthy boundaries, and improved mood are all possible with treatment. Like alcoholism or addiction, it is a prison that is worth being set free from.

The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.