6 Tips To A Meaningful Apology

I would think I am not alone on this subject but giving a proper apology can be tough. I am sure I am not the only one who has come up short when saying sorry or felt like my apology has fallen flat. And, many of us might be having more arguments with loved ones because of the quarantine. But why is apologizing so hard? Mostly because we have all had different experiences with apologies. Some of us have not seen or had true apologies modeled for us. You may be someone who is not good with words and it feels hard to communicate what you are truly trying to say. Another barrier to apologies is not being aware that you have caused someone hurt or feeling blindsided by someone telling you how you’ve hurt them. A lot of us struggle with the fears and uncomfortable emotions that come with acknowledging how you may have hurt someone else. Apologies can be very vulnerable moments causing feelings of guilt, shame, and fear of rejection that keep us from giving a meaningful apology, only to protect ourselves from being hurt.

Now the big question for all of us is, how do we overcome these obstacles so we are able to mend hurts in our relationships and reconnect with each other? Well I have 6 tips I plan to share with you on ways to formulate an effective and meaningful apology. Before we discuss those tips, I think it’s important to understand what an apology is and the purpose it serves. An apology is you acknowledging your awareness of pain you may have caused someone and expressing your regret for how the other person(s) felt after experiencing that pain. Apologies are also an opportunity to build closeness, practice vulnerability, and lastly provide clarity and self-reflection in regard to our own intentions. Apologies are not something to be used to “smooth things over” or tell the person what they want to hear so you can “move on”. Apologies are meant to be meaningful and to provide healing in a relationship. So now let’s review my 6 tips to make your apology meaningful.

1.     Make sure you truly feel sorry for what you plan to apologize for.

This may feel like an obvious step to some, but I put this tip first because this is the foundation of any apology and we often will ignore this and wonder why our apology “didn’t work”. Apologizing to save face or band-aid a situation will result in something that feels forced and ungenuine, and people can sense that. If an apology is approached this way often times you  will be met with resistance or the unheard feelings of the person you hurt, making you revert back to a defensive stance and potentially causing further damage to the relationship. So, it is important to take the time out to identify the facts of the situation and your own contributions, how the other person felt, and was your goal to affect them in that way? Once you can acknowledge those points and feel remorse for how you effected the other person you are ready to start thinking about apologizing.

2.      Identify the best time to share your apology

Often times we don’t know the right time to apologize and we choose moments of high emotion or conflict. The best time to apologize is when both parties’ emotions are in check and any arguments have been diffused. You should also wait for moments when you both have the time to have a complete discussion, trying to squeeze apologies in when there is limited time does not allow for both sides to process what happened.  So, look out for moments when you are both calm and there is space to talk openly and be very intentional about when and where your apology is taking place.

3.     Apologize for how you feel you’ve wronged the person

The approach to an apology is another important part of making it meaningful. I often think of this as inviting the person into a safe space by showing my own vulnerability. You want to Let the person know that you want to apologize because you feel in some way that you have wronged them. Letting the person know how you feel you’ve hurt them informs them that you’ve put some thought into this apology, and that its not just to curve their frustration and/or hurt. Starting an apology with “ I am sorry for (insert behavior) and how it may have caused you to feel (insert emotions you believe they experienced)”  can be a very helpful format for a soft startup to an apology. Then letting the other person know your true intentions, and how what happened was not your intentions is especially important. Or if your actions were intended to hurt them, that you now see the error in those thoughts and actions. This will be needed for the apology to be meaningful.

4.     Listen to the other persons perspective on how they were affected

This part can be tough because our fears and feelings of shame or guilt can be increased during this part of the apology, still this must happen for healing to take place. Letting the other person know that they have space to share anything about their hurt you may have missed or misunderstood is key to this apology. This is where we can learn our own limitations in understanding others and can experience growth as the offender. There is often some way the person was affected that we are not aware of, and they need to express this to truly feel that their experience has been understood. When this does not happen, you will hear things like “you still don’t get it” or “you never understand me”.  Most times people will appreciate you inviting them to share their hurt, and you will instead experience more positivity from the person. Which is often the opposite of what we expect when apologizing as we normally assume they will hurt us back.

5.     Apologize for what you did not know or understand

This is one of the easier moments, now we just apologize sincerely for the ways the person was hurt that you were unaware of. This allows you to cover all the bases, how you felt you hurt them and hurts you may not have been aware of that also need and apology.

6.     Identifying steps to move forward

Here is the step most of us want to skip to right after saying sorry. Well now your patience and intentionality in providing a meaningful apology can be rewarded. Processing the experience together can allow both of you to talk about ways to not repeat this behavior in the future, and what could be done that would instead strengthen the relationship.

Congratulations you have just learned 6 tips to a meaningful apology. Hopefully, you found this to be helpful! If you use these tips and want to learn more healthy relationship skills or if you have tried this and the hurts in your relationship are still a struggle to resolve, please reach out. The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.