What is People Pleasing?

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What does the term "people pleasing" mean to you?

People pleasing is a broad term used to define one's emotional need to please others at the cost of their needs and desires. In many cases, people pleasing behaviors are problematic, as they may lead to anxiety, disconnection with others, tiredness, poor boundaries, low self-esteem, and lack of satisfaction. The following example describes how people pleasing may show up in your life:

"Think of that time you were out with a group of friends and one of them does not have money. The friend kindly asks you to pay for them, but you know you are on a tight budget. You say yes and pay for them out of an act of kindness, but you are disappointed, especially because you know this friend has asked you for money before."

"Remember when you were drained and overwhelmed after a long day of work. Suddenly your family member needs to talk to you. You know your family member is struggling, and if you say no, they may be upset with you. You end up talking to your relative multiple times a week, and find that you do not have time for yourself or your personal relationships. "

"You are a hard worker and strive for excellence. Your boss consistently asks you to complete tasks that you know are above your pay. You end up working long hour days and lose track of time. You know that your boss only affirms you when you go above and beyond, and you do not want to disappoint them."

For some, people pleasing may look like gaining approval from friends and family. It may also look like extending oneself in ways that are beyond their capacity. In most cases, people pleasing can come in these forms of behavior:

  • Saying "yes" when you really need to say "no"

  • Excessively buying someone gifts or completing tasks for them

  • Agreeing with others, even if it is against what you believe

  • Caring for someone's emotional, physical, and mental needs before your own

When you stop people pleasing behaviors, you will expect to find yourself setting clear boundaries, validating your needs, respecting your time, and discovering your self-worth is not dependent on one's approval. Although this may seem impossible, I am here to tell you that there is hope for changing these habits!

What causes people pleasing behaviors?

The cause for people pleasing behaviors are unique to each individual:

  • Childhood upbringing: Children of emotionally unstable parents may lack validation, support, and safety. As a result, children may develop people pleasing behaviors later in life, as they seek to gain approval from others. They may also experience the need to avoid conflict and prevent tension in relationships.

  • Self-worth: People who feel low self-worth are likely to please others, and may believe they do not have purpose unless others approve of them. They may also agree with other's often and lose their sense of identity, due to their need to feel accepted.

  • Relationships: Family, friends, co-workers, classmates - everyone can have an influence on who you are and how you behave. If your closest relationships are with those who do not know boundaries or constantly disregard your needs, you are more likely to develop people pleasing behaviors.

  • Cultural background: Culture has a major influence on one's motivation to please others. Some may feel that it is their duty to serve others, regardless if their needs are met.

What are the risks of people pleasing behaviors?

In most cases, people pleasing comes with a cost to your well-being. The risks of people pleasing behaviors consist of the following:

  • Stress

  • Relationship issues

  • Burnout or tiredness

  • Anxiety

  • Lack of self-care

  • Feelings of resentment or frustration

Can people pleasing be healthy?

Often, people pleasing is misunderstood as a way of someone showing acts of kindness. Some suggest that people pleasing is healthy, as it motivates us to have connection with others and the desire to make others happy. There is a great difference between showing love and care for others, and people pleasing. People pleasing puts the needs of others before your own, as being kind to others is an act of love and care that is not dependent upon your need for approval in return.

What steps can I take to prevent people pleasing tendencies?

  1. Pause before making commitments: Give yourself time to process before saying yes.

  2. Set clear boundaries in relationships: It is okay to say no and set time limits

  3. Do things that make YOU happy: Reflect upon your emotional, mental, and physical needs.

  4. Practice positive self-talk: Remind yourself that your time and needs are important. Encourage yourself daily.

  5. Further reflect on needs for approval or acceptance: Process your need for people pleasing and it's impact in your daily life.

    The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with kids, teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Schedule An Appointment here.