Improve Your Self Confidence With These Two Quick Tips

Self-Confidence. Or, folks may use the term self-esteem or self-trust. Merriam Webster Dictionary defines self-confidence as “confidence in oneself and in one’s powers and abilities.” Recently, many of my clients have been struggling with this in their professional and personal lives, so I decided to shed some light on it here for anyone who is considering therapy but isn’t quite sure yet.

One common misconception about confidence is that it’s the same as arrogance and shows a lack of humility. Let me give you an example of how these are confused. This is a statement from a confident person – “I am well prepared and I know I can do this.” This is something an overconfident (or arrogant) person might say – “I know this material so well, I’m not going to prepare.” Do you see the difference? (If you don’t, request an appointment with me and we can suss it out further.) 

Signs of low self-confidence that I might see in clients are:

1.   Avoidance of conflict

2.   Negative self-talk

3.   Preoccupation with people-pleasing

4.   Feeling they lack control in their own lives, or lack the ability to make changes in the world or themselves

5.   Negative social comparison (comparing oneself to others)

6.   Inability to make decisions independently of others

7.   Discomfort in asking for what they need

8.   Difficulty accepting positive feedback

9.   Lack of healthy boundaries in their relationships, romantic or otherwise

10. Tendency to self-sabotage

You may be thinking, “Okay, so what? Why should I care about any of this?” Here’s the deal. Lacking self-confidence can substantially hold you back from achieving goals, succeeding in your profession, and maintaining healthy, satisfying relationships. In my opinion, that doesn’t sound like that’s a life I, or anyone, would really enjoy. So let’s see what we can do about it, and what a life with improved confidence looks like.

There are many ways to improve your confidence, but here are two ideas to get you started:

1.   Pay attention to how you talk to yourself, and begin to replace negative comments with positive. Instead of saying, “Of course you couldn’t muster up the courage to ask for a raise. You don’t deserve one, and you never will,” replace it with something like, “I’m going to request a meeting with my boss for a specific date and time, and beforehand, I will write a list of reasons I deserve higher pay. I am motivated, I finish work on time, work well with others, and I bring value to this company.” It might feel strange at first when you practice saying these things to yourself, but soon you will believe it!

2.   Practice receiving positive feedback with grace instead of telling the person they are wrong. Praise, or any other compliment, is like a gift. If someone gave you a nice new fluffy pair of socks, you wouldn’t say, “I don’t deserve these. Why would you buy them for me?” You would say, “Wow, these are going to make my feet SO happy!” When someone compliments your work or something else they appreciate about you, be polite, and say, “Thank you. I worked really hard and I feel proud, too!” The more you’re able to accept positive feedback with a genuine smile, the more comfortable people will feel giving it to you.

“Confidence isn’t something you have to possess every moment of every day. …Confidence is a choice to take steps to act in line with your values.” This is a quote from the Self-Confidence Workbook by Barbara Markway, PhD and Celia Ampel, a book I use with several of my clients who struggle to feel confident. It speaks to the fact that even if your ultimate goal is to read your poetry at the next open mic, maybe your first step is to attend the event, start to feel comfortable meeting people, and simply be in that environment. Taking a small step allows you to show yourself some compassion, and begin to accomplish smaller goals to prove to yourself that you can keep growing and evolving into a more confident person!

 What can you expect to see as a more confident person?

1.   Less fear and anxiety – The more confident you become, the more able you’ll be to drown out the negative voices in your mind, and act in line with your values.

2.   Improved relationships – With more confidence comes less preoccupation with ourselves! Confidence allows you to get out of your head (comparing yourself to others in the room) and actively and intentionally engage with other people. The people you interact with DO notice when your attention isn’t focused on them. 

3.   More happiness – Don’t we all just want to feel happy? At least most days of the week, right?Confidence = greater happiness!

If you’d like to work on reducing anxiety by improving your self-confidence, please do call and make an appointment! You will thank yourself for it sooner than you realize.

The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.