Emotional Safety: What It Is and How to Develop It

When you hear the term “emotional safety”, what comes to mind? Emotional safety is not a term that is used in our everyday language but I bet every person knows exactly what it is. Think about the different relationships in your life. Take your best friend for example, why do you call them your best friend? My guess is that it’s not because of how they look, or what kind of job they have. It is more likely that you felt accepted by them. On the flip side, take someone you just met. This is someone you don't know. They may be a safe person to share your emotions with, but you do not know them well enough yet to trust them with your personal struggles. And this is okay. Building connections with people takes time. However, you may know someone who has been or is currently a part of your life who takes advantage of you, who doesn't care about your feelings or what you have to say. This is someone who is not a safe person and therefore, it is not emotionally safe to be vulnerable and trust this person.

So, what is emotional safety?

I believe that emotional safety is the ability to feel like you can be yourself in the presence of others who value you, accept you and believe in you. When you can be yourself, this can create a foundation for vulnerability. Others like James D. Huysman, Psy.D., LCSW of Psychology Today (2014) say, “Emotional safety comes from within us. It is the “knowing” of what we’re feeling; the ability to be able to identify our feelings and then take the ultimate risk of feeling them (para. 4).”

What happens when you do and don’t have emotional safety?

When experiencing trauma, safety is not present. Our bodies and minds are not safe. Our brain is telling us that something is not okay and as a result it is trying to protect us from harm. As a result responses to protect ourselves like shutting down, withdrawing, yelling, or freezing occur. You see, our brains are wired for safety and are constantly scanning our environments to determine whether we are safe or not. In some ways, this is a beautiful process because it shows how intricate our minds and bodies have been designed. However, when we are no longer in an unsafe situation and our minds and bodies are still responding with these kinds of reactions, it is not healthy to live like this and help is needed. By getting help you will be able to learn how to know you are safe again, and this will help you to succeed again in life and relationships. Recent neurobiology research by Dr. Stephen Porges reveals that emotional safety is one of the most important aspects of connection in a relationship (Qualls, 2021, para. 1).

For someone who has not felt accepted by others, they need to be able to be a part of relationships that can provide emotional safety. Healing cannot happen in isolation but in the presence of others who value and accept them. To heal, they are going to need to be vulnerable and honest about their experiences and feelings. Developing this emotional safety means learning to trust.

Why is emotional safety important?

First of all, we all have been designed with needs. Needs to be secure, to be significant, and to belong. When you are seen, heard, noticed, and know you belong, you can feel safe enough to fully be yourself. To be yourself where your words matter, or where it's okay if you are silent. As a result, when you can feel secure in who you are, then this can be the very place where you are vulnerable. Ellen Boeder with The Gottman institute (2023) said, “we need to feel safe before we can be vulnerable. When we don’t feel safe, our bodies don’t want to engage, connect, or provide the emotional warmth our relationships need to thrive (para. 1,13).”

Five steps you can do to take towards emotional safety:

1. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing at the time. Some relationships you can be completely vulnerable and others you cannot and that is okay.

2. Think about what one vulnerable thing you can share with one person rather than thinking you have to share everything deep and personal all at one time.

3. Be open to thinking the best of other's intentions when you decide to be vulnerable. The other person may not fully understand what you are saying. People are not always going to get it right. If you think this person misunderstood you or hurt you, consider talking to them about it.

4. Accept that sharing personal things about yourself is going to feel awkward and uncomfortable.

5. Pay attention to how you are feeling emotionally and physically to see clues on whether you feel safe or not.

How can you pursue vulnerability and build trust in the therapeutic relationship?

1. Begin therapy seeking to be honest with yourself and honest with the therapist.

2. Be willing to learn and be challenged with strategies to feel emotionally safe with yourself and others.

3. There is a measure of risk involved in being vulnerable. Be willing to show courage to take a risk that feels safe enough for you.

4. Remember that you can heal and trust yourself and others again.

5. Replace self-judgment with self-compassion.

6. Tell your therapist if you have a need or if you desire something to be different in the therapeutic relationship.

Here are some things that I do to create an emotionally safe environment in the therapeutic setting:

1. My goal is to provide a warm, inviting space where you can know that all of yourself is valued, and accepted.

2. I believe that you are an expert on yourself even if you don’t feel that way. You may have lost yourself through life, or never knew who you were. But regardless, with some training, I believe that you can learn what it means to trust yourself and your intuition.

3. I strive to listen, to seek to understand, and to learn from you and your experiences. We are not created alike, therefore working with you is going to mean getting to know your individual needs.

4. I treat this therapeutic relationship as a collaborative process. I am coming alongside you to learn, discover, and be curious about what is going on within yourself and in your world.

5. I will make clinical judgments about how to proceed in certain situations, but I also like to give you choices.

6. Physical safety is necessary to feel emotionally safe. So if there is a place in my office where you feel safer to sit, let me know.

The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.

References:

Boeder, E (2023) Emotional Safety Is Necessary For Emotional Connection. https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-safety-is-necessary-for-emotional-connection/. URL

Huysman, J.D. (2014, May 29) Emotional Safety: What Does It Really Mean? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-in-the-recovery-room/201405/e motional-safety-what-does-it-really-mean. URL

Qualls, M (2021, March 31) 4 Things To Know About Emotional Safety. https://firstthings.org/4-things-to-know-about-emotional-safety/. URL